it's 4 and i'm feeling ultra lousy.

you know the times when anticipation is greeted with disappointment and yet you have to swallow the disappointment because you see the look on that person's face and he's just waiting for the moment where you to put your hands in the air and jump for joy and tell him this is just what you've been waiting for. and you just can't say that no this is not what i want, because you know it's gonna break his heart.

and when you really couldn't take it anymore you spoke what's true, his sadness and dismay and the tingling sound of his heart breaking just makes your heart sink. and you feel even worse than before although all you really wanted was not to hide any longer cause it just seems so hypocritical to be pretending to be delighted when you're not.

and then you wonder, what were you thinking?
you just want to stab yourself with a knife for being so selfish. should have just kept silent...afterall, the disappointment would have passed on by, wouldn't it?